I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
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Worst perfume name ever.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice