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But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
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Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
I’m giving a talk at a conference for people who are avid porridge eaters.
I’m the keen oat speaker.
*coughs*
I was an only child but still refer to myself as the good-looking one.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
me: that’s a cool tattoo
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: thanks! it’s from a manga, if you’re familiar with that
me: i am. it’s from uzumaki right? so good
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: yeah you should check it out sometime
me: ok
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals