i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
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I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs