I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
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I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
everyone has that one prude friend
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.