I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
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life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me: