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Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Me: Iβve never met a toilet I couldnβt clog!
Job interviewer: β¦And a weakness?
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. iβm eating a frisbee
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: βPlease donβt do that while I am in here.β
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
me: Iβm working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: whatβs it called
me: Actually Love
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
You should be tunashamed of yourself!