I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
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Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.