I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
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I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*