I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
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Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
DELIVERY GUY: Here鈥檚 your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don鈥檛 have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn鈥檛 you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
My circle of trust is a meatball
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
M: that鈥檚
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I鈥檝e needed that in literally every job I鈥檝e had
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 馃檭
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn鈥檛 be hell then would it