I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
You Might Also Like
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.