I don’t make the rules sorry
You Might Also Like
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.