I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
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I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji