I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
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*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Body by sandwich.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?