I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
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me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.