I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
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Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.