I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
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Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
My sex drive has a dui
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter: