I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
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[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*