I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave

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“Still upset about earlier?”
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”


Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.


My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.


Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”

Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”


Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.


Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?


*gives up being Catholic for Lent*

God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole


I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.


“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts