I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
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“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Comparing yourself to others
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
I am patiently waiting for your email
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
What?!?
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.