I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
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when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Wake me when AI does housework
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]