I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
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My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
RT if you could go either way.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers