I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
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Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.