I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
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*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
choose your gary
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
i love modern commerce
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?