I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
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Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
hey, alexa
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.