i don’t miss calls i stare at them
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Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
🤣🤣🤣
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.