I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
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Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Sheep
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Very good! 👍😂
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up