I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
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I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
good work, detective
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*