Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.

Alcohol is photoshop for real life.

Not all heroes wear capes…

Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……

a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?

Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.

My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids

I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.

My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.

My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.

[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this

Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?

Writer: Mission Impossible 9!

Producer: BRILLIANT!

I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.

[emergency room]

NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?

ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts

WIFE: I hate you

Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.

GOD: u wanna go back to earth?

JESUS: why

GOD: to absolve man of sin

JESUS: ehh

GOD: you’d get two birthdays

JESUS: let me get my coat

A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.

Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car

[Running out of gas in the desert]

Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.

Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.

Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.

Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.

[Heaven]

God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth

Stan Lee: Nuff said!

God: It’s just part of the job

Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]

As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.

Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.

I know this now.

*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter

“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”

receive Botox for severe facial tics and before I get the shots, I smear a numbing cream all over my face (because the shots are painful). When my neurologist came in the room and asked how I was, I said “I can’t feel my face when I’m with you.” I thought it was funny🤷‍♀️

Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.

How to keep the seat next to you empty.

There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore

Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult

A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”