I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
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My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Well, this certainly took a turn
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁