I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
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When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me: