I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
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My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.