I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
You Might Also Like
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?