I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
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“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
any last words?
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.