I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
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[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
SPLOOT
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain