I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
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I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”