I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
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birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!