“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
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me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
step 6: release the wall snake
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
john wicks are toilet candles
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.