I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes

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Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.


I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle


I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.


Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.


Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.


My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.


in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality


Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..


[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS


What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?