I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
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thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Erm I’m gonna say no
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.