I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
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[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?