I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
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At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
That took me a moment.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
Sorry. Not sorry
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
My work here is done
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.