I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
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me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
Catercrombie & Fish
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*