I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
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Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
*weighs self after shaving
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.