I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
You Might Also Like
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
classic mixup
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
Ok who’s got my black socks?