I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
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Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them