I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
You Might Also Like
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Me too, bag. Me too….
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.