I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
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Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
#dalle2
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job