@jacanamommy

I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks

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@1Happytwit

Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.

@mdob11

911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY

@ch000ch

i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before

@BigJDubz

Yard reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”

@birbigs

My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”

@a_simpl_man

After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.

@ofcourseyoudid

Bird of peace?
The dove

Bird of war?
The hawk

Bird of true love?

..wait for it…

….

The swallow

*walks offstage

@PyrBliss

I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.

@katiefzack

People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.