I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
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Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab