I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks

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Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.


911: what is your emergency?


i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before


Yard reviews

“Amazing milkshakes”

“Too many boys”


My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”


After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.


Bird of peace?
The dove

Bird of war?
The hawk

Bird of true love?

..wait for it…


The swallow

*walks offstage


I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.


People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.