Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
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911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
“Too many boys”
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Bird of peace?
Bird of war?
Bird of true love?
..wait for it…
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.