i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
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IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.