I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
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Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
This is my pinned tweet
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.