I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
You Might Also Like
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me