I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
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[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.